John Thackara

So one hundred fighter aircraft are on their way to the Middle East, laden with death. Operation Infinite Justice (or whatever it is now called) ? the War Machine ? is on its way.

If the mission were about revenge, because so many people were lost in New York, it would be an irresponsible, dangerous, and infantile thing to do ? but at least one could understand it.

If the mission were economic ? to secure the oil we need for gas-guzzling SUVs ? it would be reprehensible, and disgusting ? but at least things would be clear.

But it?s not about rage, and it?s not about greed. The War Machine has been sent off, we?re told, in the name of Civilization.

Our leaders had trouble with words this week. On Monday it was War. On Tuesday it was a Crusade. Yesterday, it was a Campaign. The forces of good find it hard to describe the process they have started ? let alone its objective.

But the War Machine can?t wait. It needs direction, a target. It needs to know, in particular, about Civilization. Who are its enemies? What do they look like? And ? if it?s going to kill them ? where the hell are they?

This is an urgent matter. If the War Machine can?t recognise Civilization, it might bomb it, not the enemy, into the Stone Age. A mistake like that could be expensive: the last time Civilization killed a bearded fanatic in the Middle East, it spawned a religion that lasted 2,000 years (and is still going strong).

So, as my contribution to the Campaign, I?m going to brief the War Machine about Civilization.

Civilization, says Webster?s Dictionary, is a "relatively high level of cultural and technological achievement"; "the stage of development at which writing and the keeping of written records is attained"; and (this is my favourite bit) "a situation of urban comfort".

Otherwise stated, Civilization means tomahawk missiles, lawyers, and the lifestyle of one percent of the world?s population.

Civilization is therefore expensive. Many people have to work 100 hours a week just to pay for its upkeep. (Uncivilized people, in contrast, waste incredible amounts of time playing, telling stories, and hanging around with their children).

Work and stress are one price we pay for Civilization ? but they are also the cause of many diseases. Luckily, in Civilization, we have lots of doctors. And hospitals. And drug companies. Indeed, illness is one of the biggest industries in the whole of Civilization.

Civilization, it?s true, needs a lot of stuff to run on. But who said Development came cheap? The amount of matter and energy wasted (sorry, used), or caused to be used, by Civilized consumers is one million pounds weight a year PCP (Per Civilized Person). Uncivilized people use up to a hundred times less than that ? but that?s because they have not yet attained Civilized levels of productivity.

Another way for the War Machine to recognise Uncivilized people is by their incredibly backward lifestyles. Some of them don?t even have microwaves, deep freezes, or supermarkets, for goodness sake.Then again, how could they? They don?t have seven-litre SUVs to take the shopping home in.

Above all, Civilization is about Cultural Achievement. Of this, we have a lot be proud : TV game shows; Big Brother, and Big Macs; Jerry Springer, and Geri-Spicegirl-Halliwell; forty percent functional illiteracy; Microsoft Word.

Civilized people, in summary, are over-worked, wasteful, sick, self-righteous, violent ? and lonely.

Got that, War Machine? Now, go get the Bad Guys.